For anyone who's read my previous entries, you've heard about rachel. She was the first girl i've ever had true feelings for. I used to think that meeting her was the best thing to ever happen to me. But after this week, i think i'm gonna have to rethink that. I'll start at the very beginning...
It all began during the fall semester of 2000. Being a small, boring school in a small, boring town, i spent a lot of time playing games on the network here. That was were i first "met" her. She played occasionally, i played all the time... sadly. Anyways, near the end of the semester, my suite mate and "good friend" adam decided he wanted to meet rachel. As of yet, he'd only been talking to her on the phone and instant messenger. I had nothing else to do that day, so i went with him to meet her. We all meet before class one day, had a little talk, really not much happened there. Personally I wasn't too impressed at first. Anyways, i somehow came across her instant messenger name later and she and I started chatting. Being the dork i am, i'm more comfortable talking online than in person, and for some reason, she was a whole lot more interesting online too. Anyways, we really seemed to hit it off online, and there were some days we'd spend hours chatting with each other. She seemed really sweet(which i like) and fun, so even though her first impression on me wasn't the best, i grew to like her... a lot. But since i had already made plans not to return in the spring due to lack of money, i didn't pursue anything with her. So we just continued as we always had, while i grew to like her more everyday.
Over winter break i finally broke down and wrote her an email telling her what i really felt about her. She said she was flattered, but with us being a couple hundred miles apart now, she couldn't see anything happening there. And truthfully, that's what i expected. I just wanted to prove to myself that i could do something like that, in case it ever became necessary in the future. So our friendship continued as normal, life went on as normal. I couldn't stop thinking about her and always wondered if I had missed out on something big. I tried not to let it bother me. I was going to school at home and on valentine's day found out about a possible hook-up at my new school. I don't know what prompted me to say yes really. She was a cool chick, i can't say i was too attracted to her, but I figured i'd give it a chance. Crazier things had happened, and i needed something to take my mind of rachel. That sounds horrible, i know, and i hate to say it. Well on the night of our first date, i got a message from rachel saying something to the effect of how could i do something like that to her. I didn't know what to think. Had rachel been harboring secret feelings for me? I had always hoped so, so i asked her again if she wanted to pursue anything together. To my astonishment, she actually said she'd try, or something like that. Whatever is was, she was coming to see me soon. I was pretty stoked about that, finally getting a chance, but now i had to break it off with the new chick. For some reason i couldn't understand, she was totally into me, and i knew i had to end it quick to save her some pain. And i had to do it quick because rachel was coming down to see me. Anyways, rachel came down with adam and his roommate one weekend and from there, rachel, adam, and I headed off to see adam's girlfriend and a friend of mine who were both at Baylor.
That weekend turned out to be a complete mess for nearly everyone involved. I think i ate something bad and got sick. Adam and his girlfriend fought, as they always seemed to do. And adam, who was also interested in meeting my friend at baylor, just ended up making an ass of himself and really didn't leave a good impression with my friend. We spent one night there, and most of the next day because i was sick. Now the reasons for why i was sick have been debated a few times. One reason could have been an undercooked steak. That seemed like the best answer at first, but now that time has passed, i think it may be something else. Rachel and I had been sharing the couch, sitting next to each other with a blanket across the two of us. She said she was cold and i just wanted to be near her. So we sat together as we watched "American Psycho," which is just an awful movie. Well as we sat there, i'll admit i was pretty nervous. I was really hot and wanted to get out from under the blanket, but i didn't want to leave her. Every once in a while, i'd make some movement and brush up against her, trying to judge her reaction to my touch. Well anyway, i think the excitment of being near rachel combined with my nervousness about the whole situation, and maybe the heat under the blanket contributed a little bit, but something eventually got to me. I started to feel really ill, and pretty much knew i was gonna be seein' my dinner again. Fortunately, i was able to hold off until we had broken to go to sleep. And while on that topic, the sleeping arrangements probably weren't the best for my state of mind either. Rachel had been paired off with my friend to sleep on his big water bed, which i personally didn't like much. Not that i didn't trust my friend... but i didn't trust him, especially since he'd had a few drinks earlier. The night went well i suppose, i don't remember much happening. The next morning came early though. Adam's girlfriend stopped by, probably regarding their previous night's fight. It was a cold, rainy morning. They just stood there with the door wide open while i lay on the floor, freezing cold and trying to sleep some more and not listen to them. Anyways, they talked for what seemed like forever, so i got up and started to head back to the room where my friend and rachel were sleeping, hoping to give them some privacy and let the poor girl come inside so they could talk. Now as of that moment, i couldn't remember feeling sick that morning, so i figured it had passed. But as i reached the door to the bedroom, i reached out and tried to turn the knob... only to find it locked. At that moment, i can remember feeling sick. Luckily the bathroom was nearby and i was able to collapse in there. I made many trips back there to see the porcelain god that day. I tried getting some more rest, eating crackers, drinking sprite and all that good stuff. I was pretty upset at myself for being this way, but i was glad that rachel didn't seem to feel the same. She actually seemed to care despite the fact that i was a disgusting mess for most of the day. Eventually i got to feeling well enough to drive home and we spent saturday night back at my house so they could head back to school the next day. That night, rachel had her own bed, which comforted me greatly, and adam slept on my floor. I really hadn't been looking forward to this night, because adam is a very... caring individual i suppose. But sometimes i think he cares too much, and spent a good portion of the night asking me about rachel, for what reason i don't know. I didn't really want to tell him anything, but I did, and i ended up gettting so emotional in our discussion of rachel that i started to cry. Now our discussion was about more than just rachel. Adam too had taken a liking to rachel, which he had shared with rachel, myself, and his girlfriend, undoubtably the reason for the previous nights fight. Personally i found what adam was doing with rachel despicable for two reasons. One, he already had a girlfriend, and even though i didn't think they'd really last anyway, i didn't think he should end it because of rachel. I told him to stay away from rachel for his own good. She had also told me in a previous discussion, that even though she and adam spent a lot of time together, she couldn't ever date him. That was comforting to me, but i worried about how adam would be affected. He seriously seemed to be considering dumping his current girlfriend to make moves at rachel, which is awful. My second reason was a bit more selfish. I didn't want adam to interfere with me and rachel. He already had a girlfriend and now the jerk was trying to make a move for the girl i was deeply interested in. He had the distinct advantage of still going to school with her and being able to spend time with her. So on sunday we all went to church and after church adam went off with his roommate and left me and rachel alone for the afternoon. We went out to eat and then back to my place. All i can remember really is her lying on my bed while we talked. We talked about she and I, she and adam, and adam and I. Admittedly, mine and adam's friendship had been somewhat weakened by his admittance to liking rachel. I just never could understand why he would want to do that to me and his girlfriend, and never could cope with it well. Here she was, in my own house, to see me, and he's trying to take her away... it just blew my mind. So anyway, the time finally came for rachel and adam to go home. I was pretty bummed out by that. As she was leaving, i asked her if she was going to keep my jacket, because she was either wearing it or had it in her backpack. She asked if she could and i was all like "please do," because even I knew that was a good sign. After that i was pretty excited about that and it really made my days worth living. I take pleasure in the simple things.
Well now that rachel had made a trip to see me and things seemed to go well, i thought i should make a few trips up to see her. I can't really remember many specifics about the trips, just a few scattered events. On at least two of my four trips here, i got sick just like i had in waco, but this time i know it wasn't the food bothering me, which i why i think it was probably just my excitment and nervousness that triggered it. She also made a few comments during our time here that kinda worried me. The one that stands out in my mind is when she said "I don't know if i can trust myself over the summer." When i heard that, my heart stopped, which wasn't good because i was driving down the highway at the time. Anyway, i recovered and drove on home. And like i said, most of our time together on these trips seemed to be spent doing typical things: spending time at a coffeehouse, movies, dinners, musicals, etc... I had a good time being around her, but she seemed too busy at times to spend time with me, even though i was only there to see her. It was somewhat upsetting. I even mentioned it to her once, but that profitted me very little. So even though i was having a wonderful time, i felt that her interest in me had grown stale. But i wasn't going to press the topic any and give her any ideas. Its my opinion that once you start thinking that a relationship isn't going to work, it probably won't. So the summer came, the time i'd been fearing the most, because now she was even farther away from me and i knew i wouldn't be able to see her until school started again. I made the decision earlier in the semester to return to my old school so i could be with her and hopefully work on our relationship some more. She was out of the country for a few weeks after school ended, so i didn't get to talk to her much. When she did finally get back to the States, she dropped the bomb. She said she'd been doing a lot of thinking, and thought it'd be best that we didn't continue the next semester. She thought that was gonna be a big surprise to me, but really i had been expecting it. Even though i was expecting it, the announcement still hurt. And as with all things having to do with rachel, i got sick and spent the next day moping around. After the sickness came anger. I was so angry with her because i felt that she had probably been thinking about this for quite some time, only delaying it. I also had it in my mind that she had returned home to a secret boyfriend. I wrote a few nasty emails to her, and she calmly handled each one, answering all my questions. In the end, i felt like the bad person. I had made a whole bunch of wild accusations in my anger, and she remained the sweet girl i had known her to be.
The rest of my summer went pretty well. People kept asking about rachel, and i kept having to tell them what happened, but secretly told a few i'd like to get another chance with her if i could. So i came back to school with a mission in mind. First to see if she had someone else hanging around her all the time, then to make another shoot at her myself. This is the point my other diary entries pick up. But just as a summary, I came back, saw her and was excited, she ignored me and i was bummed, she talked to me in class one day and i was excited again.
And now the fun all starts. Like i said at the beginning of this entry, this past week has been really hard. Last weekend I found out that Adam was now seriously considering pursueing a relationship with Rachel. He hadn't been on good terms with me since he first admitted to liking her, and it only got worse over the summer. And now with this statement, i figured that our friendship was finally over. I really couldn't handle the thought of the two of them together. As he spoke, i shook all over from a mad rush of adrenaline and anger. I just wanted to break stuff and hit people or something. It was a bad night for me. I told myself i needed to find rachel and talk with her as soon as possible. She had told me in the past that she couldn't and wouldn't date adam, and i'd even told him that. But just to help her avoid an awkward situation, i figured i should talk to her first. Luckily, adam had gone home for the weekend, so i had time. The next day, i found rachel online. I was just about to let her know what was going on when she let me know what was really going on. She was at adam's house right then. She was spending the weekend with him. At first i thought she might not know whar was really going on, but then it all became clear. I was totally crushed, i couldn't even talk to her anymore. I had to get away. Two people who i had considered to be my friends had stabbed me in the back. That weekend featured much crying and even thoughts of suicide. It was a really hard time, but luckily i had friends that i could talk to. So sunday came around and rachel and adam came home. I still wasn't totally sure what to think in regards to rachel. I still remembered her saying that she couldn't and wouldn't date adam. So sunday night, we got together and talked. It was our first good talk in a long time. Once again, i came with many questions, and she managed to answer them and soothe my fears. I went away from that encounter, once again feeling bad for thinking such awful things about rachel and now turned my anger to adam. I made plans to speak to adam the next day. He kept spouting off some garbage about wanting to be my friend, but with everything that had happened over the summer and this weekend, i didn't see much hope for it.
So the next day, i go to see adam. I knew adam would tell the truth, and i really wanted to know why he had done what he had done. As he spoke, a great light came on in my mind... Rachel had lied to me for nearly 8 months, non-stop. Even the night before, she told me lies face to face. Once again, my anger turned, this time focusing on rachel. Everything she had ever told me was a lie. I had asked her if she liked adam. She lied. She did. I asked her if he knew she was going to break up with me. She lied. He did. I asked her how long he knew. She said he didn't know. Come to find out he had known for months. She had gone home with him a few times during what i thought was supposed to be our relationship. I won't go into all the things that she did with him, but apparently it had been going on for quite some time, even before she came to visit me. I found out that while they were in my house, she crawled up under the covers with him while i was in the shower. And despite what she says, i never had a chance with her. If i had seen them like that on the floor of my own bedroom in my own house, i never would have started with her. But instead, she deliberately lied to me. And apparently it came really easy to lie to me if she was to keep it up for 8 months.
Now i really don't know what to believe. She's said she wants to be my friend, but she's said a lot of things in the past. I don't know what to believe. I've told her that if she wants to be my friend the lies have to stop. She said they would. But she's said a lot things in the past. She admitted she's living in a lie right now. She got her tongue pierced and after her parents told her to take it out, she lied and said she did. Like i said, she's said a lot of things. I don't know what to believe anymore.
I haven't talked to her since sunday, even though i really want to. I had written some questions for her to answer, to see if she would tell the truth. As of yet, i haven't heard the truth from her. I wanted to ask her those questions to bring out the truth, because people always say the truth hurts. Well for me, the lies hurt a whole lot more than the truth did. It wasn't until the truth was told that i finally started to feel better. I wanted to her to cry, to feel sorry for what she's done to me, to feel pain. But i couldn't do it. Even though she's hurt me so much, i couldn't bring myself to stoop to her level and purposely hurt someone else like that. And to top things all off, I don't think she sees what she's done as wrong. As of yet, i haven't heard even a simple "I'm sorry" for her. I know it'd probably be a lie, but she could at least say it. I really want to be her friend and put this all behind us. I don't know what she wants. She seems to be completely ignoring the topic now. Except when she brings up some sick joke. Like tonight she made the joke that she's going date adam's roommate, break his heart, and break up their friendship... which is exactly what she did with me and adam, except we beat her. Her little plan didn't work. And while i don't think she'd actually do that again, it's still totally inappropriate to say something like that. She just doesn't understand. She's some sort of sick sadist. But for some reason i still love her...