Author's Note: I originally wrote this entry at a time when i was very angry, confused and drunk. It is filled with raw emotion and can be intense. It also had the unfortunate side effect of being very hurtful to someone I love dearly. After a long phone call early in the morning, I said I would remove this entry. But I don't think i really want to do that. The damage has already been done. I write in this diary not only as a way to express how I feel, but also as a means to remember the events of my life. Anyone who knows me more than as just an acquaintance knows that I have an awful memory. In an effort to hopefully maintain some memory of my past, I write in this diary. Its not all pretty, but neither is life. I don't want to forget the mistakes I've made and pretend my life is peachy. This entry remains to remind me of the harm I can do with my words and I hope that I may never use my words so carelessly to hurt a friend.

Deb, please forgive me. I love you dearly.

January 5th, 2004

hopefully my thoughts on this subject will be conherent, i decided to do a little dirnking beforehand to "stir my creative spirit." And hopefully this will allow me to speak my mind freely due to lowered inhibitions. Oddly enough, i still type pretty well... maybe better.

All spelling mistakes remain uncorrected. And there are a whole lot more than I had originally thought.

so anywyas, deb has a new boy toy now. personally i've been waiting for her to find a new guy and quite bein' all crazy about me. i can barely control my arms, they just wanna fall straight down. but anyways...

Just a random comment. I'm not much of a drinker and don't handle it well.

so yeah, shes' got thise new guy and i really though she'd gotten over the druggie losers, but i guess not cause here's this guy who is a herion addict.

He's been clean for quite some time now. Addictions never go away, but I really can't hold that against him. I know some very fine people at church who have had the same struggles. I must admire his strength these past few months as he's rid his life of drugs. I've always avoided drugs because I fear I would not have the strength to overcome them in this way.

yeah, fantastic. i know she's lonely and looking for attention, but its a bad idea to just jump all over the first guy who says you're pretty. i mean, come on, have some standards. although she says she doesn't want to marry him, only date him. a long time ago i heard a good saying, "you only marry the people you date/" which makes perfect sense if you'll just think about it. the purpose for dating someone is to work towards marriage. dating is not about finding out about someone. you're suppsosed to do that before you start dating. its stupid to date someone you hardly know. thats just asking for trouble. especially with guys. and especially with her.

I recently began reading a book entitled "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." While this title may sound extreme, its probably not what you're thinking. It is a Christian's perspective on the terribly flawed concept of dating and romance in the world today. I've only read the first two chapters so far, but I can feel the profound effects in my life already. It provides good insight into what attitude a Christian should have in all relationships, whether romantic or not. It feels good to be intimate with someone, whether emotionally or physically. But to ask for that intimacy when there is no commitment is hurtful and sinful. The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Your level of commitment determines the level of intimacy. It's sad to see and hear about all the young people in this world who become far too intimate, way too fast, with no level of commitment. Without commitment, the most likely outcome is unnecessary pain. What sort of commitment can be expected from someone who is still growing and changing and has very little stability in life? Certainly not the type of commitment for a fulfilling, meaningful, and intimate relationship.

when i was dating her, she trained me almost from the beginning to be a sex machine.

Admittedly this was my own doing as well. My original intent and arrangement was just for a meaningless, and what i though would be harmless, physical relationship. I was totally selfish and did not care about her or her feelings. I only wanted to use her to feel good for a little while. This was definitely one of my lowest points spiritually and I am ashamed of my actions. I never want to treat any woman with such disrespect as I did Deb. I'm lucky to still have her as a friend.

it had to be within the first week that i was already in her pants. no problem. and just like pavlov's dog, i soon became acoustomed to when she came around, it was time for some action. and she trained herself that way too. and with time it got to be more and more.

I tried to rationalize my selfish desires because she seemed to enjoy it too, but in the end it was all the more painful. It was foolish and vain of me.

a virgin for 22 years, it became hard to control myself around her until i finally broke down. and then the downhill progress just got faster. looking back on it, i can see it was a terrible thing to do.

And its certainly not all her fault. The blame rests on my shoulders too. She may have provided the opportunity, but I did nothing to stop it or make it better for either of us.

unfortunately i'm not sure she sees it that way. i've still never heard he admit that sex before marriage was a bad idea. and to me, thats scary.

I did remove one line here because it was far beyond inappropriate and way out of line even for this.

and now there's this new guy, and already within the first week she's in his pants.

While this was minimal, I still believe it to be a major mistake. I exagerrated here and made it sound to be more than what it really was.

this does not bode well for the new semi-couple. "semi" because he doesn't want to be called her boyfriend, while she's pressuring for soemthing official. even though she has no intentions of a future.

I was very worried about this possibility early on because it doesn't take just a whole lot of thinking to see where such a frivolous and contrived relationship would end up. Since that time, I hear they've put more thought into this and have decided against the idea, which certainly calms a few of my fears. Some people might think that I'm just jealous. I ended our relationship and I did it for a good reason. I believe it was better for both of us and i don't regret it. But just because i'm no longer romatically involved, does not mean that jealousy can be my only motivating factor. I still love her as a friend and as a child of God. That is what motivates me and its enough for me.

i think she just wants a title so she can pretend like its ok because they're committed. which they aren't and won't be. its just a big joke.

i told her i was gonna hold her accountable for what she did as a Christian. So yeah, sure, if she doesn't want to tell me something, i guess she doesn't have to. but some day, whatever she's doin' will be exposed, whether in this life or after. and someday, she's gonna have to answer for what she does, in this life or after. but right now that doesn't seem to concern her. its more about being accepted and feeling good, and if that means playin' with some penises,

...more gross and unnecessary exaggeration, although i still don't approve

what the heck, might as well, eh? And as for that guy, he said he can ususally get the girls to mess around the first time he meets them and he was surprised she didn't. well if he was surprised, that means he was probably trying.

I don't trust guys who say things like that.

yeah, we got ourselves a winner here. well i guess that at least saves her the step of having to train him for sex, he seems well experienced already.

not to say he's a man-whore, but his morals pertaining to this situation seem to be a little lax. In a moment of weakness on her part, what is there to stop him from taking advantage? I'm not saying he will, but I also can't say he won't.

i went from no sexual contact with her, to just a little bit, then a some more, and more, and more, and finally everything. i only say that to say that it only takes a little bit to get started and once again she's already got that little bit.

Despite my selfish attitude, I was still very unwilling for many months to compromise my morals. And while I did eventually give into the temptation, if I didn't have those morals it could have been much, much sooner and much, much more.

maybe she'll be able to control herself. but knowing the girl i know, i can't belive she'd put herself in this postion again.

Perhaps that made her sound like a slut, but I can absolutely say that was not my intention and I have never thought that. But I am well aware of past situations where conditions were very similar, and those didn't turn out so good. To me it just seems crazy to place yourself in such a dangerous situation again.

fuck it

I had just grown so tired and upset at this point that I decided to stop. Which was definitely a good decision looking back now. There is no telling what more I might have said and what damage I could have caused. I'm lucky to have shut up when I did I suppose, although I still can't justify all that I'd said before. All I can do is ask for forgiveness from both Deb and God. I believe I hurt both with my wild tongue. Please forgive me.